U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
operation have a gay friend backfired
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
That's right. If she can't abide by the rules then she gets booted. It's like survivor booty call edition
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
No Robbie is the name of a kid or dog, not an adult man who's fucking you.
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
pls come tAke this super bath no romo it's just. so nice.
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
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