dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
Are my feet made of real feet?
She asked the taxi driver to stop at the Texaco because she had to puke. She did then stumbled into the gas station and bought a 40.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
Randomize
