i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
also, did you notice that when he quoted your email he used MLA format?
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
Chasing tequila with honey. Ill let you know how it turns out.
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
I'll give you one guess. It has a cock and I want it
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