My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
i'm sick of taking my pants off and seeing a look of disappointment on the girls face. i want her to be frigthened
guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
dude your alot more fun to hang out around now that your addicted to coke...but seriously you need to stop
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
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