Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
you kept say ridiculous things then repeating them in perfect classical latin. You are onee intelligent drunk
i swear to god. if they dont have practically DTF written on their foreheads, or a glowstick in their hands, strictly no entry.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
Yeah that's a good idea.. I like to be responsible when I trip my nuts off
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
Randomize
