I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
i just made my gag reflex go away.
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
just thought you should know it took me an hour and a half to make soup. I had to keep laying on my kitchen floor. being 21 is hard.
I need a full description of the guy I hooked up with. I don't think I ever saw his face
he seemed brazillian..
fuck.
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
Randomize
