True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
I mentioned the porn thing he mentioned a brother it all kinda just came together
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
I made out with that lesbian chick for a blunt. NO REGRETS.
sarahs drunk and is drawing dinosaurs all over the apartment. should i stop her?
whats she drawing them with?
eyeliner
no that's ok
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