Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
pedialite and red bull = repair kit
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
Your therapist is not going to think that you using your vagina as revenge is okay
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
Well I think I made it pretty obvious I wasn't in to it. I was drinking a beer while he was going down in me
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
welp,tonight ive reached new levels. by new levels I mean,i showed some guys my boobs for water. on your tab.. the most pointless thing ive ever done. either we should hang out way more,or never again.
Randomize
