i also saw a trio of peacocks walking along a sidewalk in hollywood today. i really hope im not tripping.
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
Randomize
