even my farts smell like vagina
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
Randomize
