I dont understand how a fully grown man could convince himself that lime green crocks would look good on him.
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
she's sitting in the bathroom of SA telling people to come in for a toilet ride
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
He has a wall filled with panties from past hook ups. So no, I didn't fuck him.
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
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