I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
the red, white, and blue power rangers were all also in the porn buisness, good bye childhood
hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
I love waking up with his head head between my legs, it makes me feel special
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
Is it wrong to want to use the Dark Web to buy Vyvance for legitimate purposes?
Randomize
