Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
i came on her dog
You should make it a point to use vocabulary that is competition appropriate around him, like "champion" and "training" and "victory sex"
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
My ex came over to hook up...then I went on a date 2 hours later and got a bj. Single: Finally doing it right.
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
Randomize
