I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
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