I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
Saw an eatery called Rusty Taco. That sooo could be me.
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
Most senic walk of shame ever. This is why you go to school in Hawaii.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
Randomize
