How fat would you say she has to be before I can consider this a threesome
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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