I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
I think it was the chocolate body paint and awesome blowjob that finally made us official.
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
I drew a nude short fat middle aged woman today and liked it
It was honestly one of my favorite days in art class except for the 20 min she faced me and kept looking at me and we made eye contact
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
We need a shit load of segways right now
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
I hope you know, that by sending me a cat meme back, you've entered in a cat picture battle; which never has an end in sight.
The duel has begun.
Randomize
