I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
I don't know what part of vegas I'm in but its definately the wrong part
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
I see your boobs were ready to greet the new year.
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
