You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
we were exchanging secrets last night... she told me about how she put markers in her vaj in middle school. found a keeper.
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Randomize
