I am spending my child support on dildos
i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
you got so mad from losing a game of beerpong that you went into another room by yourself and practiced for an hour and a half.
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
Randomize
