Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
You discussed the Arab/Israeli conflict with the guy behind the counter at the Kebab shop telling him you supported his people. He was clearly Asian.
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
This is a whole other level of drinking. Like the I used to eat paste with these people kinda drinking.
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
Randomize
