Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
Ia nefed hefelkp i am a taxi
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
That was the apt with beer in the juice and the floor caving in. Don't go.
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
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