I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
it was like a shit fog rolling out of the east to encompass me and have it's way with me
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
Is her dick bigger than yours?
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
On a scale from 1-10 how fucked up would it be to buy weed with my fafsa money?
It's a study aid
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
Randomize
