Things overheard in WeHo: "Just drink a corona and eat some ass, you won't be hungry anymore"
she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
I don't think you have the libido for two women at the same time
I think you underestimate the amount of time spent masturbating
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
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