you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
You should frame my arrest warrant.
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
Randomize
