dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
My only options right now are Herpes, Gay, or Vanilla.
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
Word. I want it involving like... sing-a-longs and sniffing glue.
Randomize
