Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
I need to hump something and I know u understand.
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
Randomize
