I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
I have tasted many bathrooms
Randomize
