We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
Randomize
