Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
Guess who just got a Christian Beliefs class to seriously discuss the spiritual implications of dolphin rape?
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
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