I would go down on you faster than GM stock
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
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