I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
Randomize
