I'm gunna smoke cigs today. I feel like I'm in that powerful and gritty mood which requires them
i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
This was all being yelled across a beer pong table as all important things should be discussed
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
When I eventually hook up with a resident lets refer to it as taking a hands on approach to my job
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
Randomize
