Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
he asked me to eat out his asshole. after five minutes of uncomfortable staring i realized he was serious.
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
He got naked after doing the Ice Water Challenge and it was still enormous. So, yeah, I stayed over.
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
I would rather suck a dick or two than go there
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
Randomize
