the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
Well she started to strip and when she slung her hair at me, she painted my face with sweat. A LOT OF SWEAT. It was a weird boner.
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
Randomize
