The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
Please tell me its not ok to love a 17 year old....no matter how hot he is and how sexy his eyebrow ring is oh lord
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
We did it in the bathroom in Taco Bell. We didn't buy anything before we left, which I thought was rude.
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
just found out that she named her cat after me.
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
No. There is no way we have to stoop so low as to ask your dad for weed. There has to be an alternative.
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
