Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
I think you are the only one slutty enough and evil enough for the job. Just go in and blue ball him. He broke my nose in Middle school. He deserves this.
Alive.
So much puke
So not the biggest tits he had his cock between. He could have lied.
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
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