The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
I will pee on everything he values.
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
True freedom is running around a sex club in former power plant in Berlin wearing a boots, a jock
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
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