he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
sex on the roof is not as easy as it sounds
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
Randomize
