So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
i hate when u poo a lot and when u wipe theres no poopy residue on the TP. it makes me feel like my butt hole is hiding something from me. just had 2tell sum1.
do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
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