My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
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