I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
i dont care if i had to wear a dress to fuck her, she was super hot and i stand by my decision
We need somewhere to take these girls. Otherwise it's a orgy in the Mazda.
oh god all I remember is forward rolls down the corridor and all I have to show for it is "fit Romanian guy" saved in my phone
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
Randomize
