no homo or anything but the way you were dancing with that girl gave me a boner
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
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