He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
U should just post that picture of u two on facebook with the caption, does anyone know this girl? If so please tell her to take plan b, thanks
Yeah kinda weird. My grandparents are here for dinner and I'm chilling on the couch close to tripping out on pain killers. My pap asked me how works going and I prettymuch drooled on myself as an answer.
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
I just want to know how she convinced 6 sober ROTC guys to have an ab contest on a street corner at 2 in the morning.
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
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