I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
Yeah, it was all fun and games until I realized that it wasn't my tent, and I had no idea who those people were
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
He called me baby cakes during sex... Can U not
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
Randomize
