2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
He probably has his cowboy hat on, that's his house hat.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
I just realized that I have dated 5 unemployed guys...and 3 that drove pt cruisers...Turns out I do have a type.
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
Let's just say when I woke up I was still drunk. My hangover hit me around noon so I chilled w my dad and took a bath and shower at the same time. You just can't do that at college
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
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