I cant take that shot because i want my penis to stay hard.
another moral hangover. fuck.
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
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