if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
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