my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
so does the 200 for rent and 150 for utilities include the never telling my boyfriend about the guys i bring home.. or is that extra?
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
Also I'm proud of us for having an educational conversation in this group text.
We had sex in the church bell tower and somehow it still feels right.
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
Randomize
