i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
all I got out of honors convocation is I've hooked up with a lot of smart guys
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
Randomize
