Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
Randomize
