ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
Do you remember peeing on the wall and then yelling at us to stop looking at your dick?
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
its freezing days like this when i seriously consider littering to speed up the global warming processes.
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
I'm jealous, curious, and aroused. All at the same time.
My job here is done.
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
Randomize
